Monday, December 27, 2010


I want to get out

I've been stuck here for so many years

Things get harder and harder to do

I find myself gasping for breath at times

And other times overwhlemed by the air around me

I need to get out

I've been down here for so long i can't seem to remember what it was like

To be free

To not have this weight on me

Pushing me farther and farther down

Till my body breaks


Can anyone help me out

I'm so lost down here alone

I'm so broken

I'm so trapped

I've been thinking

About you
How much i hate you
How much i want your attention
How much i can't stand to be around you anymore
How much i want to be accepted by you
How much you owe me

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sweet Love

I love it when you play with my hair when i'm sitting next to you
I love when you run up behind me and wrap those arms around me
I love it when i catch you staring and smiling at me
I love when you send me a random text that makes me smile
I love it when you kiss my hand
I love... you... Period


I finally got free of you
Took all the memories of you and burned them
Burned all the things holding me back
And as i walked home from the spot i burned them
I felt absolute freedom
I felt the chains you had me in crumble
You don't control me anymore
You can't haunt me anymore
I am finally free of you

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I won't care

I won't let myself care about this.
I won't allow myself to be betrayed by this.
I won't have my mind linger on this.
I won't care about this!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I've got to get out!
Before i loose my mind!
Before i loose myself!
I've got to get out!
Before i finally do it!
Before i finally die!
I've got to get out!
Before i actually try to!
Before i actually loose you!

on a falling star

whats the point in wishing?
nothing ever comes out of it.
no one has gotten their wish on a falling star.
no one has gotten their wish from a wishing well
all you get is disappointment

Is it over yet?

I hold it in my shaking hand
And my brain over-loads
I don't know what to do anymore
Should i just get it over with?
I wonder what You would think?
But as it falls from my trembling fingers
I just curl into a ball and look into Your eyes
I call out Your name and cry for Your forgivness
I feel that warm sting of familiarity
And then I'm back where I started
I pick it back up and stare at my reflection in it
"is that really me? When did i become like this?"

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Push and Pull

push me under and drown me
then pull me back up and choke me
push me behind you cause i'm not important
then pull me infront to take the beating for you
push me out into the unknown
then pull me back into the familiar
push me over the edge
then pull me back into insanity
push me away from you
then pull me back to your embrace

What a waste

put that gun to your teeth and give a big smile
cause everyone is watching you
they are all expecting great things from you
but you will never amount to what they want
put your finger on that trigger and hold your breath
cause everyone is breathing for you
they are all sufficating you
but you dont have to worry about oxygen anymore
put that bullet into your mouth
cause everyone is begging you to
they are all shoving it down your throat
but you dont have to let it go down

Friday, August 6, 2010

That night... That whole week...

I can't even describe the sharp pain that stabbed me that night.
I picked up the phone and smiled when i saw it was you calling...
But your tone told me something was wrong, so i asked.
I wish i hadn't..
And when you told me what you were feeling, i dropped the colored pencil from my hand.
I held my breath the whole conversation, as i tried my best to make you laugh with some jokes.
You expressed what you felt, and so did I...
And when the decision was decided, i didn't feel much at first.
I said i loved you.. and that i always would... And so did you... and i said goodbye... and so did you...
And when i hung that phone up i starred at your drawings next me my mirror.
And as i slowly removed the tacks that held them up, i realized what had just happened.
I found a shoe box and carefully folded all the pictures and notes up and placed them in the bottom... I put the roses you gave me on top.. and then placed the bracelets you gave me beside them... And as i closed that box i felt my heart melt into it...
I sat on the ground and just looked at the wall... feeling just like what it looked like... Empty.
I grabbed your shirt you gave me and clutched it in my hand... I just let the hot tears run down my face... Everything around me suffocated me... I felt as if i was dead... numb.. i couldn't see through my tears and i couldn't feel due to the fact my heart had stopped working. And when i woke up the next morning... I knew i was dead.. But i still had to go to school...
The whole week i was empty... I lost my heart that night..
I lost who i was and all my dreams through that one conversation...
I don't know how i did it... But I somehow was able to stand up...
Each day was so long i felt as if i would die before the end..
I have pushed this night into the back of my head for so long... But i have to accept it...
I lost him... and I lost myself... I lost all our promises... But i will accept it. I first have
to let myself feel the pain. And this is why i'm writing this. To let myself feel it and get over it.
I have accepted it... And i'm able to move on. But i have to get over it... fully...

Your so full of ....

You let the others do these things.
You let everyone else get away with things.
But now that I'm the only one left you decide to pull the leash tighter than i can stand
I'm sick of you control

You coward

Your such a little coward!
Running away like that, then crawling back with you tail between your legs
If you really meant what you said you would have never ran away in the first place!
If you had really cared you would have never done this to me in the first place!
I hate your toxic guts!
I hate your rancid eyes!
I hate your maniacal laugh!
I hate your sinister embrace!
I really did care about you but you honey.
I really did want you to be mine sweetie.
I really did love you baby.
Now i couldn't care less about you
Have a nice time stabbing others in the back
Because I will never let you do that to me again!


I'm tired of you lies
Of hearing all the crap that pours out of your mouth
I hate it when you talk
I love when you shut up!
Those damn lies should just stick in your throat
Choke you just like they do me!
I wish they would burn you as bad as they burn my skin
And i can't wait for the day they turn around and stab you in the back!
I can't wait!
I will sit and watch as all you have lied about comes back and slaps you
Liar liar pants on fire... When will your whole body ignite!?

Friday, July 23, 2010

It's funny

When you think about it its pretty funny...
How the father that was supposed to love and protect is the one that hurt you the most.
How your role model turns out to be the person you don't want to know anymore.
How the best dream you have haunts you forever.
How you can't wait to grow up, but once you're up, you want to be little again.
How forever never seems to last.
How plans made always seem to be canceled.
How the words "i love you" seems to be more of an insult.
How the heart is supposed to be the strongest muscle in your body, when it is actually the weakest.
But when did life become a comedy routine?!?

I'm DONE with you

I'm tired of clinging to your memories.
I'm tired of beating myself up over you.
I'm tired of remembering how i lost you.
I'm tired of you.
I'm sick of thinking aboout your smile.
I'm sick of dreaming about seeing you again.
I'm sick of remembering your face.
I'm sick of you.
I'm pissed that you left without a word.
I'm pissed you chose her over me.
I'm pissed you never noticed me.
I'm pissed at you.
I'm sorry i wasn't the girl you wanted.
I'm sorry i wasn't perfect.
I'm sorry i never told you.
I'm sorry... But I'm done with you.

In Your Arms

I have totally lost myself in this world,
I've stumbled and fallen,
I've stood back up just to fall back on my face,
I'm burned and I'm broken.
I'm totally worthless in this world,
I've used everything i have up,
I've been pushed to my limits and beyond,
I'm silenced and mute.
But here in your arms, I'm not worthless,
I may fall,
But you're always there to pick me up and carry me away,
You try your best to find all my pieces.
You help me re-build everything i have lost,
In your arms,
I'm worth something,
I'm special.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I lost you...

You were the one to leave me! Not the other way around.
YOU were my role-model.
I looked up to you.
I tried everything to please you and be with you.
You were my one friend.
My one play-mate.
I kept all your selfish secrets!
I did everything you asked!
I never judged you and what did I get from all my hard work?
Someone who hates me?
Dropped me the second they grew older and began to experiment.
You stopped caring that you were me role-model.
I wanted to dress like you, to be seen with you, to play games with you.
I wanted support like the kind you were given everyday.
I wanted the attention that you hogged your whole life!
You stopped caring that your little sister had to suffer by herself.
You were my EVERYTHING!
I was so close to you.
But i lost you.
I don't know how or when... but i did.
You can say all the usual crap to mask it and make it seem like I'm just being a drama queen.
But you can't lie to me anymore.
I just want you to love me.
I accepted the fact of things change when you grow up...
But i don't accept the fact that you left me alone...
I lost you.... I would do anything to get you back...

The good ol' days

I have given my everything, just to feel a piece of what i used to have.
I have tried my hardest, just to please the people i love.
I have resisted, so that i won't create more scars.
I have remembered, that way I'll never forget.
I have bled, just so I could breath.
I have pushed myself up, just to be pulled down.
Oh how i miss the good ol'days.
The days that i didn't have to give everything.
I didn't have to try very hard.
I didn't have to resist.
I had nothing to remember.
I didn't have to bleed.
I was never pushed and pulled.
Those were the days.
Those are the days that i wish never happened.
That way i wouldn't have to miss them.

Pure emptiness

In the clouds, everything seemed to fade out.
The ties that held me down seemed to break.
I was finally free from what kills me.
I could feel my lungs fill with air.
I could hear my heart sigh something that sounded like relief.
My head didn't bounce around in my skull.
My body was not weak feeling.
So why did i suddenly feel empty?
Shouldn't i be enjoying my freedom?
And even though I am, why does my emptiness resemble something else?
Is it that I miss someone special?
Or that i feel totally abandoned?
ha.. well it wouldn't be the first time i felt abandoned...

Friday, July 9, 2010

I don't believe you

I don't believe you when you say everything will be ok.
it never is.
You never seem to tell the truth.
I don't believe you when you say you love me.
you never have.
You never seemed to.
I don't believe when you say your doing your best.
you never do.
You never will.
I don't believe you when you say you will catch me.
you never did.
You are never around to.
.... If i don't believe you.. who can i believe?....

Friday, June 25, 2010

Who am I now?

This isn't me
This isn't who i am
This isn't what i would choose
This isn't what a would think
This isn't what i would do
This isn't what i would want
This isn't what i would say
This isn't who i am
This isn't me

I can't anymore...

I'm so worn out...
I can't do this anymore...
I can't keep standing up...
I can't keep walking away from all this abuse...
I can't keep my head out of the water much longer...
I can't even think straight anymore...
I just... can't anymore...

Monday, May 31, 2010

The box collapsed...

well.. the box that i was caged in is now open...
A wall fell in and the others seemed to follow..
although the other three are still around me, they do not seem to enclose me too much...
But now that i'm free.. i don't know what to do with myself...
Which way do i go now?
This much freedom scares me...
I'm so free hat its exhausting...
I have no energy anymore and don't know who i am anymore...
I'm beginning to miss the box...


I've lost everything...
I let go of the one thing that was my heart...
I pushed my heart into a shoe box and hid it in the back of my body...
I'm empty and worthless now...
I'm not myself...
All the things that interested me once now just hurts me even more...
I can't believe i let you go...
I know its probably for the best....
But i didn't know whats best hurts so much...
Maybe this pain will prove to be helpful...
But for right now, i feel as if my whole body is empty...
I have nothing inside anymore...
I hope one day i will be whole again...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The box

I'm stuck in a box, surrounded by four different doors.
Each seems to be pulling me toward it, promising my mind all these things that i want.
I'm smart enough to pick out the lies from each door, but am i strong enough to pick just one?
I've never been so torn in my life.
I've never been stuck in a box like this, and when i have, the door was simple and easy to choose.
But four different doors? When did things get so complicated?
When did i get so weak as to not be able to choose the right path?
But each door has a loud voice calling to me, appealing to all five of my senses.
I feel as if i stand here much longer my body will be torn apart.
I will no longer be whole and i will be stuck forever in this horrible box...
I'll just be broken again... But this time, even more so that i will never find all the pieces.

I know....

I know i'm not perfect...
So why do i keep trying?
I know i have changed a lot since then...
But in a good way or in a bad way?
I know i should be doing better than this...
So why don't i try?
I know i'm not gonna be able to make everyone happy...
But does that list of people include myself?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Keeping above water

I can't wade in the water forever...
Eventually my arms and legs will give out...
Eventually i will run out of reasons to keep my head above the water...
I'll just sink to the bottom and lay there...
suspended between heaven and hell by the weightless water...
motionless with the fish and sharks circling me...
I'll let the gentile water move around me...
Eventually, i will fade...
I'll be consumed by the water that drowns me...

Monday, May 3, 2010

What do i do?

I'm pulled between two things!
I'm so confused!
I don't know what to do anymore!
Two things that are so great are pulling me apart!
I need help!
I don't know what to choose!
One side I have known for so long!
And the other is so special!
I can't deal with this anymore!
Please.... If i keep getting pulled in these different directions i'm break...


I'm ready, and i'm set.
But i can't go.
You showed up, and you said all those things...
I can't go now...
But why can't i? huh?
I shouldn't want this right?
I should be happy with what i have.
So why does it feel like i'm falling again?
I shouldn't want this right?
Right.... so why do I?
You make me feel so special...
But i can't just abandon all my dreams just for one situation...
If i did i would never get anywhere in life...
But you keep pulling me farther and farther into your arms
I can't seem to pull away anymore...
You hold me on the edge and call me to jump off..
And i know if i do i will regret it.
I'm already chained to the ground.
I'm already set so far into the earth, i don't think i could move even if i wanted to.
But is it good to be chained down so early?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Hold Me

Hold me deep into the night,
Press me deeper into your embrace,
I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
Let me bleed for you,
Let me cry for you,
Let me suffer for you,
Don't say a word, just hold me,
Let me melt into your eyes,
Just don't wake me in the morning,

Let me take your burdens,
Burry your pain in my skin,
Trust me I'll catch you, and if I don't I'll fall with you,
Hold my hand, cause I won't move until you do,
I'll show you my scars if you swear to make them disappear,
I'll give you whatever is left of my heart,
I'll let you see my soul if you promise not to run,
Hold me close,
Let me melt into your eyes,
Just don't wake me in the morning.

Would Anyone Catch Me?

If I jumped, would you be beneath me to catch me?
Or would you be behind me, pushing me further and further into insanity?
If I fell would you be beside me to catch me?
Or just laugh and walk away?
If I didn't get up would you be there to wake me?
Or would you notice?
Oh, thats right...
You let me jump...
You let me fall...
You didn't notice me...
You left me...

Get Over It

You've got to keep going.
You can't always hide behind this...
Grow up already.
This is life, live with it.
This unhealthy habit has got to end.
Forget all about it.
Remember, you don't have to do this alone anymore.
Keep your smile on.
Don't let this consume you again.
You've got to fight back at some point, why not now?
You know this isn't your best.
Just because you're scared, doesn't mean you can keep this up.
How can you be this weak?
How did this even start?
STOP LYING!!!!!!!!
Stop pretending this will get better on its own.
You can't just ignore this.
Let go of something for once.
Stop letting this control you.
GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!

....All those reasons... so why not stop?....

Just a Bit Longer

Keep going, hold on for 10 for minutes...
The nights almost over, just wait for 9 more minutes...
You can over come this, think about it for 8 more minutes...
Call someone, this may be your last 7 minutes...
It may be tempting, but only for 6 more minutes...
Keep breathing, it'll all be over in 5 minutes...
Put on some music, drown it out for the last 4 minutes...
It can't beat you, be strong for 3 more minutes...
Just think of tomorrow, focus on it for 2 more minutes...
Write more words done, repeat it out loud for a minute...
...Times Up... Did you make it?...

I'm Trying

I'm trying so hard,
but i don't seem to get anywhere.
I'm sorry that i'm not like You,
that i can't just stand up.
My legs are weak,
I'm not able to even walk on my own.
But knowing You're listening,
Knowing that You're beside be puts blood in my cheeks again.
I have fallen so many times at Your feet,
Raising my hands to Your light and screaming for help.
I give my core to You,
Take it please.
It is filthy and broken,
Just pieces of what i used to be.
I hope that is enough for You,
Please say it is.
Without You i would drown,
Be eaten alive by the fires of hell.
Thank you.
Please just consume me,
Take my entire soul in Your arms.
I'm not asking You to fix my world,
Just to hold my hand and walk with me.
I'm trying to walk on my own,
But i stumble and get lost.
Be my guide and show me,
Please lead me.
I'm trying so hard,
But all i seem to be able to do is cry out Your name in praise.


Its funny when you think about it... Your whole young life their there. To guide and protect you. To make you feel better. To fight with you, but in a way you know they still care... So why is it that I lost that?
My own flesh and blood... Left me to wander this dark alone.
Its funny that when things fell apart, so did all my relationships.
From sitting on her bed, singing show tunes while she puts her make-up on... Or from listening to her read Lord Of The Rings to me... to no connection. From playing horse-over-horse, from drawing together, to nothing.
I see other siblings that are so in tune, they tell each other everything... I never really had that... When things went to crap, i was pushed in the corner while the older kids were taken care of.... I didn't get the advice, i got the fights. I didn't get the time to spend, i had backs turned to me.
And actually, when you think about it... I deserved it... I just wish i could take whatever i did back...

Let me

Let me fall,
because you never stopped it before.
Let me cry,
because you never stopped it before.
Let me regret,
because you never stopped it before.
Let me drown my pain,
because you never stopped it before.
Let me go,
Becaue what the heck made you start caring?

First off

Thought i would jump right into the blogging stage and skip the steps of explaining my life.

I'm falling deeper and deeper into a darkness I can't fight.
I'm slipping into a bottomless pit of regret.
I'm tumbling further and further down the rabit hole...
And I don't think I can get back out without you...